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Almost forty

I have been getting progressively more and more upset as the date nears. For all those that have been there, done that, got the “Lordy lordy look who’s forty!” handstamp - it’s not so much about being forty. I am okay with that. I have no doubt that I am about to make some really awesome things happen for myself. I have learned a lot, screwed up a lot, gained an amazing amount of insight and a better level of confidence. It’s more about the moment of turning 40 that’s got me down.

More to the point (and more of the same refrain, I’m afraid), is that I am going to wake up and my mom and dad won’t be here. It guts me even though this isn’t a new thing. They have not been here for some time now. But I am sad that neither of them made it much past their 60th birthdays. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to tell them about any of the really good things in my life. I was riding along one day and I felt this giant crush in my stomach and heart ‘cos I just suddenly really wanted to catch my mom up on everything. Cos that’s how we did things with her way across the ocean, with no phone of her own and pretty limited funds for long distance calls. One big letter or one big phone call. And her always so happy to hear from me. And so proud.

It just seems like it’s been a really long time without them now. And that makes me sad because, good health and luck willing, there’s still a long way for me to go without them. It’s weird to be a fairly sensible person and still have this hope that one of them will call me on my birthday. Like someone made a mistake and somehow my mom is still over there and just fine. It’s harder to make the same daydream with my dad, because if he was alive, he would be here. It’s easier with the one I only got to connect with intermittently as it was.

Anyway, I know I will be fine once the day is over and put behind me. I always take things the hardest before the moment actually arrives. There are lots of exciting things on the horizon, even if I don’t fully know what they all are yet. But my birthday sits there as this painful moment ahead that keeps giving me a sharp jab until I cry some of my cries and then wash my face and move on with my day.

It’s a little bit exhausting but I’m glad that the end is in sight.

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  1. talewaggercreations said: Birthdays do lead to reflective time. I’m a week off turning seventy and it seems too soon to be there. It is a big hole in life after parents are gone and I miss mine and wish I’d asked many more questions. I shall toast them and thank them for life
  2. fancycwabs said: Don’t despair! Being 40 is so fantastic that Americans named a size of beer after it.
  3. janetisserlis said: thinking of you hard. holding you in my heart. missing my mom, too. i’m boatloads older, but it hurts every single day. sending love
  4. angelablack posted this

 

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