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I don’t know.

On Sunday I drove up north to my cousin Michelle’s post-holiday pot luck dinner. It’s been a good while since I’ve spent time with the Black family. I’ve skipped a few family reunions because I was away, my car was kaput or I just wasn’t up to it for emotional reasons. It’s weird but as comfortable as I am being me, I have always felt a little out of sorts with this side of my family. The majority of that has to do with city mouse/country mouse differences and my discomfort with casual racism. (I remember a teen-aged Meagan’s eyes just about popping out of her head when one of them shared a name for folks from the middle east. Not cool.) But they are who they are and the good of them outweighs the bad. They love me and care about me, and Michelle in particular is a heart of gold sort of girl. So, off I went to break the seal on my non-showing-up-ness and to return a pirate’s chest to my Uncle Bill that has been hanging out with me since my dad died.

And it was good stuff. My uncle Len (my dad’s younger bro and best friend) was thrilled to see me as he didn’t know I was coming. And everyone was warm and welcoming. And it was nice, instead of sad, to see the facial similarities of my dad in Ivan, Billie, Bobbie, Len and Linda. It was great to catch up with them all and I felt better about myself for showing up.

The only thing was that a few hours in I got a little flustered after repeatedly hearing myself answer “I don’t know” to so many of their questions. And then someone else would want to catch up and there’d be a whole new string of I don’t knows, I’m not sures and I guess I’ll figure it out laters. Are you going to move to the states? Are you going to buy a new car? Does Josh want to move to Canada? Where are you going to live? How is working from home going? Will you miss owning a house? And etc.

And that is what I want my 2013 to be about. Having some better answers to those questions. Not for them, of course. They are just being friendly and interested after a few years of not really being in touch and my near-resolute facebook avoidance. 2012 was a flat year for me. I had awesome travels and nothing really bad happened. But, I don’t feel like I made any personal strides or progress. I tried in one major way… but wisely wrapped up the home sale when I realized the timing was premature.

So now, I am excited about what’s to come. Or better yet, what I will make of this year. The thing I want most is some forward momentum in a few key areas and the only one who can get that ball rolling is me. It’d be silly to try and make everything happen in one year, but I already feel quite confident that I will have answered or at least know the answers to a few of those life questions by the end of this year. Just the thought of that is already putting a smile on my face so I’m off to a good start.

Happy new year to all of your faces. I wish you only good things ahead.

love, angela.

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  1. sniffyjenkins said: I have an Uncle Len too. A happy new year to Uncle Lens everywhere.
  2. angelablack posted this

 

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